No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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