I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
