She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
