Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
