oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize