Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
