i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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