Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
did i walk over a car last night?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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