So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
