just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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