Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Houston, we have a squirter
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
