true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
