Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
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