the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
