Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize