The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
