Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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