booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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