OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
