I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
