She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
