i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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