you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
People in love make me want to vomit
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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