The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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