i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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