My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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