Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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