operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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