I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
