just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
