I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
