Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
