My Higher Power is John Stamos
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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