i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
