Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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