Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
