Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
