I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
