So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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