Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
