Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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