look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
