He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
