Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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