if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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