Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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