omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
True strength comes from lack of pants
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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