Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize