it was like his penis was on wheels.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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