Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
