My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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