I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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