Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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