An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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