please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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