I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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