Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize