Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
