I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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