Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Naked Twister starts at high noon
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
