cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
